Ugh... what did I do to deserve this? I was subjected to the 2nd (WAIT WAIT WAIT...2ND FILM FOR THESE NO TALENT FUCKS!? GOD DAMMIT!) feature length film brought upon the world by the Insane Clown Posse called Big Money Rustlas.
Yeah.. These Two Shit Dicks
They want you to think this takes place in the Wild West. But it doesn't, don't be fooled by that rotund, face painted, should have been aborted, porbably has his own gravitational pull, waste of flesh and bone and his tooth pick butt buddy, this shit is not the wild west. Anyway lets get into this pile of garbage. The movie opens up in a saloon with a bunch of fellers that actually looks like cowboys and in typical western clothing drinking, playing cards, and so on. We come to a table where two varmints are accusing the 3rd player of cheating! who could this 3rd player be!? none other then this fat fuck!
Yes... he is dressed in pimp purple, gold vest, and spiked gauntlets... because you know... why the fuck not. THATS HOW THEY ARE SO GOD DAMN FUNNY! THEY PLACE THEMSELVES IN DIFFERENT ERAS AND PAY NO RESPECT TO THE FACT THEY ARE NOT IN FUCKING JERSEY AND ITS NOT FUCKING 2011. Anyway his ninja assassin takes all these accusers out with his gun-fu and The Purple People Eater and his crew take the money. His "crew" btw are 2 wiggers in suits similar to his, but with cowboy hats, and they got bling and all that shit.
From this, enter SUGAR WOLF! The supposed hero (no one its a hero in this, no one wins, we all lose, we lost precious time from watching this, brain cells, if you bought it you sure as shit lost money) He comes up on this family who offers him a horse? He doesn't want it, so he takes the wife instead, bangs her, and leaves her in the woods. He also meets some Indians, signs their tomahawks and tells them he "doesn't want to see that shit on eBay (there's that crossing new with the old kind of humor they and all their juggalos LOVE!) I am so excited for our hero already, anyway he comes into town and finds out the place he was born is now a wretched hive of scum and villainy. HIS MOMMA IS TURNING TRICKS! (in a house that on the outside, is the size of an outhouse, but inside is a huge mansion) and all his brothers are dead, and his daddy, he is the only one left!
NO! Not THAT kind of only one!
Sugar queer decides to become sheriff of the town (oh i forgot, its called mud bug, cuz you REALLY needed to know that) and clean the place up! So he relieves the current sheriff of his duties (who is mimicking the voice of some character I'm not sure and I will NOT do research for this abomination) and send his new "deputy" to get him some chili... from New York City... "The Big Apple, The City That Never Sleeps" cuz you know...fuck it, you get the idea of what they are going for now. So he takes out two bank robbers, hires some help, and fucks a midget. I have some dignity, so I am not posting the picture of him and the midget in bed... I still like you guys... and want to maintain just a small level of respect.
So Grape Ape hears all this and decides he needs to send one of his assassins into town to kill the new sheriff. So he sends the ghost, who is pale, wears all black, walks like a robot, and shoots lasers. Sheriff Douchington beats the ghost by reflecting the lasers from his eyes back to him with a mirror. So there does assassin number 1. Sugar then befriends the man who gave him the mirror, Dirty Sanchez (get it? he's mexican, and a sex act, all in one...GENIUS!) who gives him a rundown of Fatty J and what to expect now that he has the planet's attention. So this gets repeated another time where the next assassin is THE FOOT. No not the robot ninja's led by The Shredder, but a dude with a giant smelling foot, who travels around in a steam powered wheel chair, constantly yelling "I'M THE FOOT BITCH!"
So this time he beats the foot by tying him up and dragging him into boxes of dynamite that explode on impact. At this point my brain kind of shut down so all I know is the two stooges for Gigantor followed the foot into town, tried to help, got arrested, and then were busted out by ninja assassin and they killed one of Sugar Cock's buddies. Sugar and Sanchez decide to setup a duel between himself and Universe Man, That night Sugar's midget girlfriend turns out to be a dude who works for tons of fun and shoots him in his PIMP HAND! (also his shooting hand) So a comical scene ensues where he beats the shit out of the midget (what at this point is just a doll) for like... 10 minutes or more. We get a montage of Dirty Sanchez teaching Sugar how to shoot with his other hand in prep for the duel. So he gets his pimp hand strong and goes out to duel fatty ding dongs. They 10 pace, shoot, and the hero wins. After shamu falls he reveals himself as SUGAR WOLF'S FATHER!! He never died! he turned evil, and knew his son would return to take back this city!
HURRAY THE HERO WINS!
AND WE ALL LOSE!
Guest Stars!
This film had a good bit of cameos, no one major but still whatever lets list them
Ron Jeremy: He played Sugar Wolf's father
Scott Hall: He played a drunk that kept up with the town's population. When someone died he adjusted the count and said something about the kid that died. The closest thing I can compare it to is Sam Elliot from The Big Lebowski... except.. you know... terrible.
Jason Mewes: Played one of the sidekicks to Sugar Wolf, All he did was say "Oh Craaappp"
Tom Sizemore: The old sheriff that is "sent to New York" is shown constantly trying to get there by foot, and runs into Sizemore, who talks his ear off, and then the deputy leaves.
Thats all I got, this movie is terrible, it is SUCK on a whole new level. Give me Avatar any day of the week, give me the worst fucking thing you can throw at me and I bet it's better. Give me 90 minutes of Sacha Baron Cohen swinging his dick around to "Right Round" by Billy Idol and it's still better then this. The saddest part? I'm told out of the two films they did... THIS IS THE BETTER ONE! Which means if this review gets enough hits... I'm probably gonna have to watch that one as well... The shit I do for you people. Don't see this, ever, not on a dare, not drunk, not for money (ok... maybe for money) This is complete and utter garbage to infinite and beyond..
Now here's the trailer!
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